TheWordsYouUseinCoachingSessionsShapeHowClientsSeeThemselves

Dom Hills uses a specific contrast when he talks about check-in conversations: "has anything been off-plan this week?" versus "what have you done wrong?" Both questions are asking for the same information. Only one of them creates a space where the client can be honest without feeling ashamed. The difference seems small. Over months of weekly sessions, it is enormous.

Why shame closes conversations

When a client has eaten off-plan, missed a session, or not followed through on something they agreed to, they already know. They have been thinking about it since it happened. If the PT's first question implies accusation - frames the deviation as something they have done wrong rather than something that happened within a normal human life - the client does not become more honest. They become strategic. They minimise, omit, or deflect. The PT loses accurate information needed to adjust the plan, and the client begins to experience coaching as a performance rather than a conversation.

The compounding effect of language choices

A single session's framing does not define a coaching relationship. But the pattern of how you ask questions across dozens of sessions does. Clients who consistently feel judged by check-ins disengage slowly - they become less forthcoming about the things actually going on in their lives, which are exactly the things a PT needs to know to coach them well. The relationship becomes thinner and more transactional, and eventually ends, often without either side being able to say exactly why.

The alternative pattern - questions framed as genuine curiosity, with no implied verdict - creates a different kind of relationship over the same timeframe. One where clients tell you what is actually happening, where adjustments can be made in real time, and where the coaching reflects reality rather than the version the client thinks they should be presenting.

The habit of neutral framing

Ask what happened rather than what went wrong. Frame conversations as investigation rather than judgment. Be genuinely curious about why the client did not follow through rather than implying they should have. These are not just communication strategies - they reflect a belief about clients that either underpins or undermines your coaching practice. Clients who consistently feel that their PT is on their side, rather than evaluating them, will tell you things that make you significantly better at your job.